Stories of personally meaningful ways that people have commemorated and grieved their loved ones or other losses.

I offer them here with the idea that hearing what others have done may inspire us and spark our own thoughts, reinforce our connections with each other, and be part of the process of mourning and healing.

If you would like to add your experience to these stories, they are welcome. Please send them through the Share Your Story form at the bottom of this website.

Things That Bereavement Researchers Tell Us:

Almost everything is normal when grieving. Get help if you are suicidal, homicidal or unable to function - J Shep Jeffreys
Everyone grieves differently. Be kind to yourself and to others as you consider what to do.
No New Shoulds - Don’t feel pressure to add anything else to any rituals that are meaningful to you. There’s already enough to do and feel, and you may find yourself with low energy.

Stories of Commemoration and Grieving

Honoring Uncle Jim

My Uncle Jim was dying at home, and my Aunt Lorraine asked my mother and me to stay overnight with her because she felt the time was close. We helped her change his pajamas that night, and when she told him “I love you,” he responded with his own “I love you.” We said goodnight, and she tucked herself in with him as she always had. I slept in their living room, and at 3 a.m., my aunt came to me and said that she thought he had passed and would I come into their room because she wasn’t sure. I told her he had left his body, and it was sweet to see him in just the exact same position he had when we tucked him in. We woke my mother and spent the next few hours in the kitchen talking about our dear Uncle. He was the most perfect gentleman and had lived his values honorably.

As we talked, my aunt mentioned that she wanted him to be buried in one of my caskets. I had painted some nice wooden coffins. She and my uncle had always chosen very usual things in regard to their belongings, and I was surprised that this was her choice now. She wanted me to add a painting of the plane he flew during WW1 to the coffin. I always tried to leave some place for something personal on a coffin, but this one was special because I had tried over and over to find what would complete the design in that spot and failed. Finally, I left the area blank, and now the placement of the plane was more perfect than I could have planned. During those long-ago flying missions, my uncle had suffered from frostbite and lost some sensation as a result, but he regarded his service as a gift he gave to the world. His three sons, coming from a distance, saw his coffin for the first time at the funeral service and thanked me deeply. I was grateful to have been a part of his tribute.

-Denise Baxter

Ashes to Ashes

Natural burial is a way all of us can stay true to the values we hold in death that we held in life. We return our nutrients to the ground and take care of the earth as our legacy.

Singing Farewell

A daughter whose father had always dreamed of sailing to Australia had people at his funeral sing sea chanties to say good-bye and wish him well on his way.

Excerpt From an Interview With the Mother of a 7Year-Old Girl Killed in the Sandy Hook School Massacre:

“The couple then described the moment they saw their daughter’s white coffin at the funeral home. ‘You felt like the floor was falling beneath you,’ Mrs McDonnell said. But the coffin became a canvas when she, Chris, and their surviving son, Jack, took out the Sharpie markers they had brought with them and began drawing all of Grace’s favorite things. ‘By the time we were done,’ Mrs McDonnell said, ‘it was so covered by all the things she loved’ – including ice cream cones, lighthouses, and seagulls. ‘We had peace when we left,’ she said, noting that the coffin was full of colorful drawings and notes from those who knew and loved her best.”

Commemoration and Defiant Response to Terrorists

In 2015, terrorists killed 12 cartoonists at the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in anger at the topics of some of their cartoons. This coffin was dedicated by friends and political cartoonist colleagues.

A Living Memorial Service

Gabe Williamson was dying. The congregation he belonged to, the Ethical Culture Society of Essex County, in Maplewood, NJ, wanted to celebrate his long life. I wasn’t a member of this congregation when Gabe was dying; it happened years before I moved to New Jersey. But the living memorial they created for him had such a strong impact on the congregation that I heard about it regularly from a variety of people. Everyone thought it was wonderful. I might not have all the details exactly right, but this is my sense of what happened:

Gabe was brought to the Society meeting house, a space that had been a big home at one point, and still retained that cozy feeling. The couch was where he sat as his resting place for this event.

Gabe had had a long and active life. There were many people who came to share their appreciation with Gabe, his family, and the assembled congregation. I’m pretty sure there was music he had selected, and I can’t imagine that there wasn’t a whole lot of good food, something that was a hallmark of events at that Society when I became a member. The sentiment I heard repeated the most was how wonderful it was that people got to tell Gabe what he meant to them while he was alive. That they knew that he died, knowing how much they respected him, and valued the work he had done; that they were glad he was in their lives.

Gabe died 4 weeks after his congregation, his friends, and loved ones had gathered to honor him.

I first heard about this living memorial service well over 20 years ago. While I haven’t had the opportunity to participate in a living memorial, the idea of sharing with people how much they mean to me is one I try to adopt, and I have shared the idea as a possibility for many people. Maybe someday there will be a living memorial service for me.

– Susan Rose, Leader, Ethical Society Without Walls

Written Notes

Several years ago, a good friend died after a long illness. Before he died, he had wanted the wishes of his friends to be buried with him. We all wrote notes and letters to him about what he meant to us. Those letters were tucked into his casket and buried with him. We felt that we were able to honor his final wishes in this way.

Nascar

The daughter of a man who had loved NASCAR racing wanted to incorporate that into his funeral, but discreetly. She had flowers placed at the end of the church pews that were tied with a ribbon with a small black and white check print on it, evoking the racing start flag. It made her smile a little, even in the midst of her sadness.

Scarves

A dear friend of mine has saved the many scarves her mother often wore (made from silk, chiffon, etc). You can take a piece from each scarf and place them in a design on a piece of cardboard that has been covered with fabric for a background. After this is done, you can have everything framed. The pieces can be twisted and laid in several different directions.

The Dinner Party

Several years ago, a woman told us this story of how she was able to honor her parents. The way I remember it was that they had either both received a terminal diagnosis or were quite sick. Since they had always been very social and held many meals and gatherings at their home, she remembered an art installation piece from the 1970’s by Judy Chicago called The Dinner Party. She drew inspiration from this, not directly copying the idea of using each place setting to commemorate a famous woman in history, but rather had each place setting focus on a different aspect of her parents’ lives, which she wished to honor.